5 Real Sex Stories That Will Make You Really Horny  

Whether I’m writing about joining the mile high club, attending a “kissing party”, or the joy that comes with not caring about pubic hair, I often address my sex life directly. Sometimes, I even dispense unsolicited advice based on personal experiences on matters such as staying faithful, and which awkward scenarios couples should expect to face in the sack. Whether I’m writing about joining the mile high club, attending a “kissing party”, or the joy that comes with not caring about pubic hair, I often address my sex life directly. Sometimes, I even dispense unsolicited advice based on personal experiences on matters such as staying faithful, and which awkward scenarios couples should expect to face in the sack.

For this roundup of sensual stories, however, I cast a wide net. What I discovered is that everyone seems to have a saucy tale worth sharing. Below are the top 5 anecdotes of the lot, which are sure to leave you flesh thirsty. (Each story has been edited for clarity.)

1. Jerking around in-flight (male, 30)

My college girlfriend had an insatiable appetite for sex. So an hour before heading to the airport to catch a flight to Italy in 2002 (the trip was our graduation gift to ourselves), we had sex. By the time we were boarding, she was already ready for more. Naturally, we checked out the plane’s bathroom, but we agreed that it looked too cramped for a mid-air romp.

Undeterred, my gal summoned a flight attendant shortly after takeoff and requested two blankets. Then she draped the navy blue polyester throws over my lap, slipped her hand beneath the makeshift barrier, withdrew my dick, and massaged me to erection. Bear in mind that we were in a three-seat row. She was by the window, I was in the center, and a middle-aged European dude neither of us knew was sitting near the aisle.

While jerking me off as slowly as possible so as not to raise suspicion, she whispered in my ear that she wanted to make me come. It was odd being shoulder-to-shoulder with a complete stranger, and it wasn’t easy to muffle my increasingly heavy breathing, but it was incredibly hot to do something so daring out in the open. After about half an hour, I came, smiling wide, aware that I would never forget that less-than-innocent hand job.

2. Starfucking (female, 20)

The Spring Fling concert is a major campus event at my small liberal arts college. So when the famous rapper we’d all been looking forward to seeing for weeks singled me out and pulled me up on stage mid-performance, it was a big deal. Dancing alongside a verified celeb in front of the entire school, I inevitably got a little drunk on my five minutes of spotlight. I decided right then and there that I was DTF (down to fuck).

But what transpired between us wasn’t the wild, disconnected sex I anticipated. To start, the dapper rapper nibbled on my toes. He followed that intimate gesture by caressing my body tenderly all over. Then he told me he could love me, and offered to pay for my college education! The next morning, he invited all my friends out to brunch.

As soon as he left town, the reality that he was twice my age, lived in Atlanta, and traveled constantly set in. When he texted a few days later, I was shocked he hadn’t forgotten me already. My ego begged me to respond. But rather than draw the whole thing out and make myself vulnerable to disappointment, I chose not to taint a precious one-night stand. Hopefully the disappointment didn’t kill him!

3. Suddenly single, seeking sex cure (female, 35)

As soon as my divorce became official a few years back, I took a job working as a television producer that required traveling across the country with the show’s cast and crew. As I interacted with more and more new people for a few days at a time, I formulated a theory: The only way to cleanse my sexual palate of ex-husband residue was to sleep with a total stranger.

I was unwinding at the bar of a cheap, cozy hotel in the middle of America one night when a handsome traveling salesman started flirting with me: The perfectly clichéd opportunity to regain control of my sex life, right? Then I noticed his wedding ring. At the risk of wasting erotic energy, I addressed the issue directly.

“My wife and I have an understanding,” he said.

Upstairs in his hotel room, we stripped off our clothes and attacked each other. We went at it three times in a row, and with each orgasmic round I shed a layer of the post-divorce blues, just as I’d hoped.

The next morning, my healer of a salesman and I woke up to a call from his wife and his guilty tone revealed that his marital “agreement” was probably one-sided. Honestly, though, I didn’t feel bad. I needed to get laid, and I was grateful to be cured.

4. MILF-schooled (male, 27)

At 21, I caught an older, beautiful, fit, blonde woman staring at me from across a club in downtown Fort Lauderdale. Soon enough, she asked me to dance. We didn’t hook up that night, but she gave me her number and I pledged not to let the opportunity slip before leaving for school in two weeks.

That Friday night, she scooped me from my parents’ place in an Escalade and drove me to her suburban McMansion, where two other badass cars were parked in the driveway, and, apparently, two young kids were tucked in bed.

“My ex husband’s a baller,” she explained.

I didn’t ask questions.

After the babysitter showed up, my MILF and I headed to the nearest strip club—her choice, not mine. A dozen lap dances later, around 5am, we checked into a hotel. As soon as the door slammed behind us, I started kissing her and fondling her breasts like I would with a woman my age.

“Don’t rush,” she said.

I took the cue. By the time I climbed on top of her, the sun was rising. Finally! I thought. I entered her eagerly, and she moaned loudly. Overwhelmed by the excitement of pleasing an older woman, however, I blew my load in seconds. The upside to being young is that I was erect again in minutes, and I managed to prove myself during round two. On top of checking off an important bucket list item, I learned something about pacing, and redemption.

5. It’s good to give (female, 34)

In my late 20s, I traveled all over Europe with a close girlfriend. It was our last day in Bulgaria when an impressively well-built guy with really thick dark eyebrows walked into our hostel. I was more physically attracted to him than I’d been to anyone in a long time, and after months of backpacking without hooking up, I was downright thirsty for sex. Looking around the tent, I could tell I wasn’t the only interested party. I’m not aggressive by nature, but I knew I had to trample the competition fast—or miss my chance.

Once my target set his bags down, I grabbed him by the arm and ushered him outside. We chatted for two minutes in the dark, during which time I learned two things about him: He was a British-Indian amateur boxer, which explained the toned body, and he was seven years older than I was. That was enough for me to yank his belt off and pull his pants down. Right outside the packed hostel, I gave him a blowjob with more gusto than I’d ever devoted to oral sex. The moment demanded impromptu action, and it was worth it. Who knew it could be so damn satisfying to be so generous? read more

“You Will Not Move From This Spot Until I Make You Cum With My Mouth.”  

“I want you to promise me one thing,” he says, guiding me back on the bed with one hand up my sweatshirt. He is licking one of my nipples through the fabric, spreading a dark stain on the grey. His hair is wet from a shower, and I am slick with the shimmery, coconutty oil I rubbed on right before I came. “I want you to promise me one thing,” he says, guiding me back on the bed with one hand up my sweatshirt. He is licking one of my nipples through the fabric, spreading a dark stain on the grey. His hair is wet from a shower, and I am slick with the shimmery, coconutty oil I rubbed on right before I came.

“Hmmmm …” I manage to reply as his tongue does lazy circles. He’s lifting up my shirt now and tonguing the skin under my boobs. His dick is very hard, poking between my oiled-up legs.

“You will not move from this spot until I make you come with my mouth.”

And so I don’t. I lie back and try to stay perfectly still as heat flushes through me, priming me for what’s to come. He sets a little pipe in my mouth and lights it for me. I draw in the dark green smoke and exhale just as he places the tip of his tongue on my clit. I close my eyes and gasp, remembering that I am not allowed to move from now on. My hands must stay near my head, so I hook them in the headboard.

For the next twenty minutes, his hot mouth traces patterns and beats a rhythm on me until I am twisting and writhing and yelping over the music. It’s humid in his room and the fans spin lazy circles of warm air over us, making every little hair on my body feel more alive. Suddenly he stops and guides me to straddle his face. I come in big, intense waves as his tongue flicks and flicks so hard and fast. I see stars, as cliché as that sounds, and fall off his face laughing and vibrating so intensely I’m afraid I’ll fall off the bed.

I take a minute to slowly pull my top off, then return the favor and light the pipe for him. While he’s hitting it, I pour a little coconut oil into my hand and slowly massage each of my boobs as he watches. I play with my own nipples, tracing patterns around each one, then grab his hand so he can feel how hard they are. As he’s investigating with his fingers and then his tongue, I drizzle a little more coconut oil onto my clit and finger myself, then reach around to cup his balls. I tug twice.

This is too much for him. He tosses me onto my stomach and teases me by pointing out where each of my chakras is, head to toe, telling me where they connect. I’m still in the haze of my orgasm, enjoying the sensation of his hands on my oiled-up skin. But then, suddenly, he’s inside of me. I remind myself to breathe.

“I told you I was gonna fuck you extra hard tonight,” he whispers into my ear as he shoves his whole weight into me from behind. I gasp and feel every inch as he thrusts once, twice, faster, harder. I yelp, and arch my back up to meet each one. “Didn’t I tell you I was gonna fuck you hard? Didn’t I?”

“Yes … yes … you did,” I reply. We fuck this way, sweaty, hazy, hot, until I’m aching for another high-quality orgasm. “Let me go down on you again,” he says. “I wanna eat your pussy again.” But I want to keep that massive hard dick inside me, so I get on top and swivel my hips, tits bouncing, til I come. And then again. I was so blissed out I let him come, sticky and warm, all over my tits.

I drove home feeling deliciously fucked up. read more

This Is The Kind Of Sex That Got Him To Commit  

The permanent problem of the modern woman is that what men what from women (sex) has become easier to obtain and abundant while what women want from men (love) is harder to get than ever. It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men don’t appreciate the less primal aspects of a long term relationship, it’s just that men are hunters and without the immediate need to pursue something Official, they lack the motivation to do the work a relationship takes. The permanent problem of the modern woman is that what men what from women (sex) has become easier to obtain and abundant while what women want from men (love) is harder to get than ever. It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men don’t appreciate the less primal aspects of a long term relationship, it’s just that men are hunters and without the immediate need to pursue something Official, they lack the motivation to do the work a relationship takes.

This made things hard for me. I always liked sex but the truly thrilling encounter with a random hookup was an exception to the rule of quick, dispassionate, dudes that fucked with a formula and were too inhibited about it to make it a memorable experience. It’s weird to say that men don’t know how to enjoy sex but a lot of them don’t. They’re so hung up on getting it that they don’t know how to slow down and enjoy the actual Event. They can’t be themselves or relax or say or do anything that they think might upset their ability to get sex, so everything is colored by this frantic energy. It’s what makes casual sex often not worth the hassle.

My current boyfriend, Kyle, was such a standout. He wasn’t needy, he didn’t want on eggshells, worried I’d turn out to be a tease. He was slow and confident. We teased each other. We met on Facebook which is surprising only because he turned out to be so quality. You never think a random “hey, you’re so and sos friend and seem cool” message is anything but weird. But Kyle is attractive and sure of himself and has this electric intensity about him when he speaks. He makes you want to pay attention. He makes you lose yourself in him.

The first time we met I couldn’t believe the way he made me feel. I’d catch myself trailing my fingers along my neck while he spoke, a classic sign of female interest. It was too obvious, and he noticed, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s probably what made him confident enough to lean up next to me and say into my ear, “I’m going to fuck you tonight.”

We laughed about it later, when his cock was inside me, how he knew what was going to happen when he saw me blushing at the bar, how I hoped that’s what would happen when his whisper made me shift in my seat.

That’s what made our sex so good, we were always laughing and talking. When it was really intense, we’d let it be intense, but this way we could spend hours (or days) in bed. And it was fun and so sexy and truly, there’s nothing I would rather be doing. I wasn’t thinking about lists of what I had to do or remember to buy at the store, I was fully and deliciously present in each of those moments.

But true to female form I wanted more. I wasn’t happy with our casual status. If things were so great now, why wouldn’t a future together be the goal? I just wanted that to be the goal unless we had a good reason not to consider it at all.

Always my equal, Kyle never gave in to what I wanted unless it was also what worked for him. Our arrangement was fine the way it was, what impetus was there to change it? He didn’t understand that the security made it sexy for me, it made it feel more real. And that’s where the idea struck. If security made it sexy for me, I could communicate that to him. I could show him that if the idea of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend meant more work, it also more… other stuff. More freedom to explore each other, more nights together, more everything. The comfort I felt with him meant more comfort in being vulnerable, which is a requirement of certain kinds of sex acts.

I’d never had a threesome. Well, at least not with two girls. I knew it was like, every guy ever’s fantasy, so what better way to show Kyle the reward loop associated with commitment?

One morning when we were getting ready, I mentioned it to him. I’ve always been curious about being with another woman, but I’d only be able to do it if the guy could make me feel really comfortable. I nonchalantly offered up the bait, and phrased it like a challenge, IF you could make me feel this way then, threesome. I let him go to work and think about that all day. It was only a few hours before he texted, So, how exactly do I make you feel more comfortable?

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The event itself was simple enough to set up. I had a stripper friend (go big or go home, right?) who was a bit crazy and sexual and up for anything and everything. It was this personality that made her attractive enough to me that I really wanted to experiment with her even though I wasn’t into women in general. She had long blonde hair and big boobs and she laughed like crazy at everything in a way that made you feel warm and happy.

We went to a fancy hotel bar and drank too much champagne and we felt good and happy and silly. The whole scene was so exotic. We were dressed up for the occasion and I felt like I was living someone else’s life, or like it was a glimpse of what mine could be like. This beautiful, vibrant woman was making eyes at me and Kyle who I loved and who excited me so much was there, more quiet than usual, I think because he was a bit overwhelmed with how turned on he was. Or maybe just focusing on what was happening, committing it to memory.

I could feel his eyes on me as I twisted her blonde hair in my fingers, pulling her closer. We were giggling as our lips touched. Her tongue was in my mouth at the bar, I remember that because I thought, “a stripper’s tongue is in my mouth at the bar, how weird.” And then I remember Kyle’s hand on my back while we stumbled into the elevator, still laughing, this time with an appreciative audience of older business men, to whom I’m sure we appeared to be Kyle’s paid company for the evening.

In our room, I tasted a woman for the first time. She was so clean. Her skin was soft and everything tasted so much better than it did on a man (sorry). She was more responsive, too. When my tongue touched her she twitched and moved and arched her back and gasped and screamed.

When I looked up I realized Kyle was getting head from her. I had one sobering pang of jealousy before I embraced my role in the event. Sliding my middle finger inside her I circled it around in the way that always worked for me and watched as her sudden increase in pleasure traveled up her body to her mouth where her moans were suffocated by Kyle’s cock. It was crazy to stimulate him through another person, to see my touch travel from her to him.

We spent a good amount of time like this, trading off who was helping who get off. My friend flitted off a few hours later, having had her fill and wanting to sleep in her own bed. When Kyle and I woke up in the morning, we felt closer than ever. We were a team. We had secrets together. We had fun together. We challenged ourselves together.

Maybe there should be a new saying, couples that get girls off together… stay together? read more

More Sex Doesn't Lead To Increased Happiness  

Countless research and self-help books claim that having more sex will lead to increased happiness, based on the common finding that those having more sex are also happier. However, there are many reasons why one might observe this positive relationship between sex and happiness. Being happy in the first place, for example, might lead someone to have more sex (what researchers call 'reverse causality'), or being healthy might result in being both happier and having more sex. read more

WHAT TEENS REALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SEX  

Remember how weird it was to ask questions about sex as a teenager? High school teacher Al Vernacchio answers his students’ questions about everything from DIY birth control to how to tell when a guy really likes you, in an excerpt from his new book.

Remember how weird it was to ask questions about sex as a teenager? High school teacher Al Vernacchio answers his students’ questions about everything from DIY birth control to how to tell when a guy really likes you, in an excerpt from his new book.

On the first day of my Sexuality and Society class, I don’t pass around anatomy drawings. I don’t hand out pamphlets about safer sex, although those are stacked on a table near the door. Instead, the first thing I do is establish ground rules. People should speak for themselves, laughter is OK, we won’t ask “personal history” questions, and we’ll work to create a community of peers who care about and respect one another. Only then can we get to work.

I’M ALL ABOUT CONTEXT. TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY, INTIMACY, RELATIONSHIPS, AND PLEASURE CAN’T BE DONE IN A VACUUM.

In the back corner of my classroom is an old shoebox with a hole cut into the top of it. Next to the box are scraps of paper and some pencils. This is the Question Box, a place where kids can drop any question they have about human sexuality. I answer the questions both during class time and on a blog I maintain at school.

Here are some actual questions from students and my answers to them. I haven’t done any fancy editing; these are the questions just as the kids asked them. They run the gamut from innocent to downright technical. My answers are exactly as I gave them, to show how even a simple question allows for both information and value clarification to be offered in response. Here goes:

Why is sex so good?

There are two ways to answer this question. From the biological perspective, sex feels good for an important evolutionary reason. If a species, like ours, is going to reproduce sexually, then there’s an advantage if that action also feels good. As I’ve often said, if sex felt like getting your tooth drilled at the dentist, people wouldn’t have it very often, and that could eventually threaten the survival of our species. Our bodies have evolved so that our genital regions, as well as many, many other parts of the body, are sensitive to sexual stimulation.

A part of the body that brings sexual pleasure when stimulated is called anerogenous zone. This does not mean just our genitals. All of us have many places on our bodies that result in sexual pleasure when stimulated. Knowing your own and your partner’s erogenous zones can lead to much more fulfilling sexual experiences. The mechanisms of sexual pleasure involve a combination of nerve impulses, blood flow, and muscle tension. To find out more about this, you might Google the phrase “human sexual response cycle” and look at the work of Masters and Johnson, two famous sex researchers who studied the body changes that happen when people get sexually excited.

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD SAY, “THE THURSDAY FOLLOWING YOUR SIXTH DATE IS THE MOST APPROPRIATE DAY TO START HAVING SEX”? OF COURSE, THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.

The second reason sex feels good is that humans have developed the emotional capacity to feel love, intimacy, and passion. These emotional states highlight and deepen sexual pleasure.

While pleasure can exist without these emotions, it is much more significant when they are present.

When is someone emotionally and physically ready for sex?

I wish I had an answer that would be right for all people at all times, but the real answer is “it depends.” We are all unique individuals, and our relationships are all unique. Because of that, there can’t be a standard answer to this question. Wouldn’t it be great if we could say, “The Thursday following your sixth date is the most appropriate day to start having sex”? But, of course, that’s not the way it works.

EMOTIONALLY, A PERSON HAS TO BE READY TO FACE OTHER PEOPLE’S RESPONSE, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.

I think it’s appropriate to start being sexually active with a sweetheart (and remember: I define sexually active as being involved with someone else’s body for the purpose of giving and receiving sexual pleasure) when intimacy, commitment, and passion are established and both people have pretty equal amounts of these feelings for each other. I don’t think these things develop quickly, so I don’t think sexual activity is appropriate on a first date or early in a new relationship.

I also think people aren’t ready to become sexually active if they can’t talk about it with their partners in a serious way, and also talk about safer sex practices, contraception (if appropriate), and possible positive and negative consequences and how they’d deal with them. Emotionally, a person has to be ready to face other people’s response, positive or negative, to the sexual activity and be willing to share those emotional reactions with his or her partner.

As you can see, I think it takes a lot for a couple to be ready to engage in sexual activity. If any of the above things aren’t in place, I’d say you’re not ready.

Could you use a balloon as a condom?

Short Answer—ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! UNSAFE! UNHEALTHY! DANGER! DANGER!

Longer Answer: OK, I’m calmer now. Condoms are made to be condoms; balloons are made to be balloons. Both can be made of latex, but that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable. You wouldn’t use a pencil eraser as a car tire even though they’re both made of rubber, would you?

IF A PERSON DOESN’T FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO ACQUIRE CONDOMS, THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN’T BE HAVING INTERCOURSE.

Condoms, when used correctly, are an essential tool in reducing the risk of pregnancy and STIs. They work so well because they’re designed for that purpose. No condom substitute (balloon, plastic baggie, sock—whatever) will provide the same level of protection, and some can do more harm than good. So insist on the original! Sometimes people ask about condom substitutes because they don’t know where to get condoms or are embarrassed to get them. Condoms can be purchased at any local drugstore; there are no age requirements for buying condoms and no prescriptions are necessary. Free condoms are available from many health clinics, sexual health agencies, and even some schools (although ours does not provide free condoms at this time).

Here’s an important thing to consider. If a person doesn’t feel confident enough to acquire condoms, then maybe they shouldn’t be having intercourse. Being ready for sexual intercourse means being able to handle all aspects of the situation, including protecting oneself and one’s sweetheart from unwanted consequences. Remember my rule about sexual activity—“ If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about it, then you can’t do it with them.” My rule for condoms is, “If you can’t take responsibility for securing condoms, then you’re not allowed to have the kind of sexual activity that calls for using condoms.”

How can you tell if a guy likes you?

I know you’re really hoping for a clear-cut answer here, but that’s just not the way it works, I’m afraid. People can react in all kinds of ways when they like you. Some people get really quiet around you. Others will make sure you notice them. Some will tease you or act annoying. Some will just silently stare at you (yes, that can feel a little creepy).

The best way to figure out if a guy likes you is to ask him! Might it feel awkward to do that? Sure, but it’s also a way to get a clear answer. You might want to resort to the middle-school tactic of asking your friends to ask his friends if he really likes you or not, but that makes the whole thing so much more public than it needs to be. You could try using Facebook or texts to figure it out, but they’re not great ways to get clear information.

Why not try the kind of “I message” we use in class? In an I message, you describe the situation, say what you feel, and say what you want or need. Below are two different I messages you might try (or make up your own!).

#1: “I’m trying to figure something out and I could use your help. I’m feeling a bit confused about what you think of me. I’m wondering, can you be honest with me and tell me whether you like me or not?”

#2: “It’s hard for me to figure out if someone likes me or not. I’d be a lot less anxious if I knew for sure. So, I was just wondering, do you like me?”

Asking such a question might seem scary, but remember, the worst a person can say is no, and you’re absolutely strong enough to hear that and be OK. Believe it! Then go ask him.

read more

The 7 Sex Moves Men Love Most  

Men joke that any sex is good sex—and they're not entirely kidding. They're biologically designed to be gratified in bed more quickly and easily than we are. But when pressed, almost every man will admit that sometimes sex is better than good. Certain sex moves drive them crazy in the best possible way. Women who know these moves hold the kind of power over men that inspires great art, novels and films. And you don't have to be lithe or athletic to perfect them. In fact, they're ridiculously easy to learn. The seven techniques here are guaranteed to thrill him—and make him eager to please you in return. The couples who've tried them can attest to that. Men joke that any sex is good sex—and they're not entirely kidding. They're biologically designed to be gratified in bed more quickly and easily than we are. But when pressed, almost every man will admit that sometimes sex is better than good. Certain sex moves drive them crazy in the best possible way. Women who know these moves hold the kind of power over men that inspires great art, novels and films. And you don't have to be lithe or athletic to perfect them. In fact, they're ridiculously easy to learn.

The seven techniques here are guaranteed to thrill him—and make him eager to please you in return. The couples who've tried them can attest to that.

1. Let him watch

What it is: Moving in a way that is specifically intended to excite him

How to do it: Men are erotic visualists, more intensely aroused by visual stimulation than women are. Some men say that watching a woman climax is the ultimate form of arousal for them.

Many women touch themselves discreetly during intercourse to facilitate orgasm. Few realize they can use this little move with a theatrical flourish to arouse their men. Next time you're ready to make love and he isn't particularly interested, put on a sexy shirt and nothing else (except maybe black thigh-high stockings and a pair of heels) and assume a provocative position, with your back against the headboard, legs open and bent at the knees. Place two fingers in an inverted V straddling your clitoris.

What couples say:

"This is one of the sexiest things a woman can do for her man. When she touches herself and looks into his eyes, she's sharing a part of herself he can't have any other way. I want my wife to do this for me—I fantasize about it—but so far she hasn't."
— Brad, 29

"The idea embarrasses me. I don't want to watch him, so why does he want to watch me? I'll probably do it someday just to please him, but I'll need a glass of wine first."
— Kristen, 27, his wife

"She looks at me while she's doing it. She takes long, slow strokes; and I go from zero to a 90-degree erection in no time. When her hips start moving faster and her eyes get heavy, I have to have her now."
— Jeff, 35

"I feel so powerful when I have that kind of immediate and intense effect on him. The electricity we generate from eye contact would light a room. If you can't be a shameless exhibitionist with your husband, then with whom?"
— Lisa, 34, his wife

2. Stand up your man

What it is: A manual wake-up call for him

How to do it: Men love to be stroked, fondled and handled with authority by expert female hands—and they love watching a woman take manual erotic control of them. If he's having trouble getting a firm erection, rub a small amount of oil or lubricant onto your palms and put one hand firmly around the base of his penis. Work the other hand from the base up to the head in a circular, twisting motion, as if you were following a winding staircase up his appendage. Caress the head with your palm. Then start at the bottom again. This staircase goes only one way: up.

If he's sensitive around his perineum (the space between his testicles and anus), adjust the hand gripping the base of his penis so you're free to massage the perineum with a finger or your thumb. Or pay attention to his testicles if he likes that. When he has a full and firm erection, guarantee his stamina by using this stroke: Open your hand and form a V with your thumb and index finger. Slide his penis between the V so the flat of your palm caresses the shaft, and move upward from the base to the head. Again, only move up.

What couples say:

"The women I knew before I met my wife held me the way a wimpy guy shakes hands. You don't want that. You don't want a crusher, either. Tessa has the perfect touch; I let her take charge. When she starts that little twisting move with her hand, I spring to life."
— Michael, 37

"If you really like something, you're probably good at it. And I love knowing I can get him really aroused simply by using my hands."
— Tessa, 30, his wife

"The upward strokes really work. There's probably a psychological component to it: It's like she's pulling my sexual energy upward too."
— James, 40

"I love being with James. Younger men can get erections so quickly that a woman doesn't have the opportunity to apply much manual skill. I'm a visual woman, so I get aroused doing this too."
— Deborah, 29, his wife

3. Take matters into your own hands

What it is: A hand job like he's never had—and couldn't possibly give himself

How to do it: This is really a two-hand job. Begin by clasping your lubricated hands together, fingers interlaced, tightly around him (but not so tightly, of course, that you cut off his circulation). Move your hands up the shaft in one long twisting motion followed by the same motion as you work your way back down. Now vary that move by eliminating the twist. When he has a firm erection, clasp your hands at the top of the shaft. Gently contract and release them around the shaft at approximately one-second intervals. Keep doing this up and down the shaft, stopping at the rim where the shaft meets the head.

Alternate the twisting and the contracting strokes until he is ready for launch. Then hold him firmly in both hands, gently contracting them in time with his spasms. Finish him off by running your thumb from the base of the shaft on the underside up to the head.

What couples say:

"When she contracts and releases her hands around me, the sensations echo in my head like erotic heartbeats. A woman who is really good with her hands is an expert lover."
— Jake, 33

"Jake has a higher sex drive than I do. He wants sex every day, sometimes more on weekends. I like to do this for him, especially on a lazy weekend afternoon, because it gives us a special connection."
— Angela, 31, his wife

"When she does this for me, I feel the orgasm building more gradually than when we have intercourse. It's strong, intense. And I can watch."
— Marco, 32

"I experience him in a different way when I feel him in my hands from the way I do during intercourse. Every movement is exaggerated, maybe because I see it happening."
— Kim, 33, his wife

4. Perfect the stand-up kiss

What it is: A way to arouse him or restore his flagging erection during lovemaking

How to do it: This can arouse him when he thinks he's not in the mood; it's the most direct route to a state of heightened readiness. Holding his penis firmly in one hand, take it in your mouth, moving the head and the top third of the shaft in and out. When he becomes erect, use a variety of strokes, including these two:

The twist and swirl: Use one hand to do the circular twisting motion described in move No. 2 as you swirl your tongue around the corona (the ridge separating the shaft from the head), paying particular attention to the frenulum (the small piece of skin where the head meets the shaft).
The butterfly flick: Lightly flick your tongue back and forth across the delicate corona.
What couples say:

"Cathy used to lick like I was an ice-cream cone. Then one day she did this little swirling thing with her tongue around the rim, and it gave me a tremendous erection. That inspired her creativity."
— Dennis, 39

"I love feeling that I can have him whenever I want simply by using my skills. Last night I surprised him: He came into the bedroom complaining of being tired and having a headache. I was naked. He was fully dressed. I unzipped his pants: He wasn't tired and achy anymore. The sex was great."
— Cathy, 38, his wife

"The combination of her hand and her tongue, both twisting and swirling, is intense and irresistible. I may be tired, but when she puts that special move on me, I become a man of steel."
— Joe, 34

"Control is important. I do this move long enough to give him an erection with staying power, but without taking him into the zone where he'll come too soon. I have to stop myself, because I really get into playing with him."
— Meg, 31, his wife

5. Give him the ultimate delight

What it is: Oral sex all the way

How to do it: He'll be eternally grateful for this one. Do the steps in move No. 4 until he's close to orgasm. Then gradually draw him in, as much of him as you can comfortably handle, keeping a hand firmly around the rest (use your thumb and forefinger to form a ring—an okay sign—and place this ring around your mouth). Move your tongue around the shaft. Pull in your cheeks to create suction. Open your mouth to release the suction, but keep the tip of your tongue engaged. With the palm of one hand or your thumb, massage the perineum.

What couples say:

"I love the way her mouth feels around me, and I also love watching her. I'm always so grateful that I'll do anything she wants when it's her turn."
— Mark, 35

"This is the most intimate, loving thing a woman can do for her man. I really enjoy making Mark happy in such a special way. It gives me satisfaction too."
— Julie, 35, his wife

"I love the way she silently uses her cheeks to create suction. She is so elegant and beautiful, I can't believe she is willing to do this for me."
— Brian, 39

"I use that little okay-sign technique. Conquer the gag reflex and you've conquered your man."
— Elaine, 33, his wife

6. Take the roundabout path

What it is: An arousing spin on the female-superior position

How to do it: Men love the special moves women make in the female-superior position. To increase his excitement and visual stimulation—and intensify clitoral and G-spot stimulation for you—move on an oval track rather than straight up and down. Imagine you're circumscribing an oval with your body, with the downstroke at one end of the oval, the upstroke at the other. Lean forward slightly as you push down on him, stimulating your clitoris. Pull up and move backward slightly on the upstroke, stimulating your G spot. (Can't find your G spot? It's a patch of skin a third of the way up the front vaginal wall, easily reachable with your fingers.)

What couples say:

"When she's on top and she moves in this oval fashion—wow! I can't get that sensation when I'm on top, no matter how I vary my thrusting. She's a sex goddess."
— Kevin, 32

"I actually discovered my G spot in this position. The orgasms I have on the oval track feel like they're emanating from two places at once. I come in waves. That makes him more excited, and his orgasms seem to be stronger too."
— Mandy, 34, his wife

"Watching her make that oval circuit is as exciting as feeling it. Sometimes she throws her arm up in the air like she's riding a mechanical bull."
— Gianlucca, 31

"My pleasure really turns him on. This is my best move because I can gyrate myself into a big orgasm."
— Anna, 34, his wife

7. Adjust the angle

What it is: A variation on the rear-entry position that dramatically improves the experience for both of you

How to do it: This simple adjustment to the basic rear-entry position accomplishes two worthy goals: It presents your buttocks in the most flattering way possible and it increases G-spot stimulation. Never had a G-spot orgasm? You just may have one now.

Here's how you do it: Kneel on the edge of the bed and have your man stand behind you. Lie with your chest flat on the bed and elevate your hips at a steeper angle than you would normally do in this position. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making the fit tighter and creating additional stimulation for both of you.

What couples say:

"I love looking at my wife's buttocks, and I love the fact that I feel larger when I enter her this way."
— Leo, 39

"When my buttocks are elevated that high in the air, the little cellulite-pocked areas where the buttocks meet the thighs smooth out. I look good. When you look hot, you feel hot."
— Bree, 32, his wife

"The fit is tight; the view is extraordinary. And she really gets into her own experience. I like watching her from this position."
— Derek, 34

"We both enjoy the deep penetration we get. And I get a lot of sensation in my nipples with my breasts pressed against the bed."
— Sherrilyn, 31, his wife read more

10 Bizarre Sex World Records  

From the World's Biggest Penis to the World's Largest Vagina, check out some of the weirdest sex world records you may not see in the Guinness Book. From the World's Biggest Penis to the World's Largest Vagina, check out some of the weirdest sex world records you may not see in the Guinness Book.

1
World's Largest Penis (13.5 inches - 34.2 cm)

World's Largest Penis (13.5 inches - 34.2 cm)
Jonah Falcon, an American actor and writer, has been reported as having the World's Largest Penis with 9.5 inches (24.13 cm) in length when flaccid and 13.5 inches (34.29 cm) when erect.

Falcon has identified himself as a bisexual and works as a gaming blog editor. He gained media attention after appearing in a 1999 HBO documentary, a Rolling Stone Magazine article, a documentary by UK Channel 4 called "The World's Biggest Penis," and The Daily Show.

He was offered to enter the pornography industry but refused, saying it would be "just the easy way out... it's not going to help my legit acting career."

In 2012, he was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the SF Airport due to the large bulge in his pants. After passing through a metal detector and a body scanner, the world's largest dick was selected for additional screening, then finally released. (Source)


2
World's Largest Vagina (19 inches - 48.26 cm)

World's Largest Vagina (19 inches - 48.26 cm)
The World's Biggest Vagina most likely belonged to Scottish giantess Anna Swan (1846-1888), a remarkable woman who set a number of records relating to her bulk. Born normally sized, she began growing at a prodigious rate in childhood, finally reaching a maximum height of 7' 8" at age 19. Capitalizing on her huge size, she joined a side show and toured the country, where she met and fell in love with Captain Martin Bates, another giant who measured over 7 feet tall. They wed in 1872, making them the tallest married couple in the world, a record that still stands today. The couple settled down into married life, built a mansion filled with enormous furniture, including an 11' by 7' bed where they consummated their union. On June 18, 1879, she gave birth to the largest baby in history, weighing 26 lbs. and 34 inches in length—so large, in fact, that it became tightly wedged in her capacious tract, only extricated by the use of forceps and belts. The child did not survive the rigors of birth, but a cast was made, still on display at the Cleveland Museum of Health. Generally the largest part of an infant is the head. We know that the tyke's cranium measured about 19 inches (48.26 cm) in circumference, hence we compute the minimum dilation of Swan's passage as 6 inches, or just over 15 cm. That's pretty wide—the normal dilation for childbirth is 10 cm. (Source)


3
World's Most Prolific Mother (69 babies)

World's Most Prolific Mother (69 babies)
Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782), was a peasant from Shuya, Russia. Though not noteworthy himself, his first wife, Valentina Vassilyeva, set the record for most children birthed by a single woman. She gave birth to total of 69 children; however, few other details are known of her life, such as her date of birth or death. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 births. 67 of the 69 children born survived infancy. The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Now in her mid-sixties, she claims to be the mother of 64 children. Of these, 55 are documented. The mother with the greatest number of kids that are not tiwns is Livia Ionce. This Romanian woman, 44, gave birth to her 18th child in Canada in 2008. (Source)




4
World's Biggest Distance for a Jet of Semen (18 ft 9 in - 570 cm)

World's Biggest Distance for a Jet of Semen (18 ft 9 in - 570 cm)
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in (579 cm) with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in - 375.92 cm) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. (Source)


5
World's Oldest Prostitute (82-year-old)

World's Oldest Prostitute (82-year-old)
Prostitution is commonly known as the world's oldest profession. Meanwhile police in Tai Pei estimate an 82 -year-old nicknamed "Grandma" to be the oldest living, working prostitute. Chiu went into the business about 40 years ago, after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in the business charging ten or twenty times less than others prostitutes. (Source)


6
World's Biggest Orgy (250 couples)

World's Biggest Orgy (250 couples)
Japan has successfully set a new world record – having 250 men and 250 women consent to have sex in the same place at the same time, completing the world's biggest orgy! The Orgy was held in a warehouse with a professional camera crew taking pictures and recording the entire event. Each sex act and position was choreographed so that couples were simultaneous in their actions. Despite the "orgy" label, the 250 couples (all tested STD-free) featured in the video have sex only with each other and not with any other couple. The entire event is available for purchase on DVD. (Source 1 | Source 2)


7
World's Biggest Gang Bang (919 guys in the same day)

World's Biggest Gang Bang (919 guys in the same day)
Lisa Sparxxx is a noted American pornographic actress. She had sex with 919 guys in a single day, setting a world record. Specifically, it occurred during Eroticon 2004, a Polish convention that celebrates exactly what its title suggests, as part of the Third Annual World Gangbang Championship. This wasn't just some publicity stunt either; the coveted “World Gang Bang Record” had changed “hands” back in 2002 and 2003, when the number reached was 646 and 759, respectively. (Source)


8
World's Longest Man Masturbation (10 hours)

World's Longest Man Masturbation (10 hours)
A man by the name of Masanobu Sato attended the 2009 World Masturbate-a-thon held by the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco and set the world record for longest session by jerking it for 9 hours and 58 minutes. He came all the way from Japan just for the event, armed with a wide variety of sexual aids, and the record he was beating was his own. Last year he set the record with 9 hours and 33 minutes. (Source)


9
World's Strongest Vagina (lifts 31 lbs with her vagina)

World's Strongest Vagina (lifts 31 lbs with her vagina)
Meet Tatiata Kozhevnikova, the 42-year-old Russian woman with the world's strongest vagina. No, seriously, she broke records to attain that title. Incredibly enough, she lifted 14 kilograms worth of weights-- almost 31 pounds-- to achieve such notoriety. She has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world's strongest vagina. “After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said.


(Source)


10
World's Oldest Father (90-year-old)

World's Oldest Father (90-year-old)
The world's oldest father has done it again, fathering a child for at least the 21st time, at the age of 90. Indian farmer Nanu Ram Jogi, who is married to his fourth wife, boasts he does not want to stop, and plans to continue producing children until he is 100. Mr Jogi admits he is not certain how many children his series of four wives have borne him - but counts at least 12 sons and nine daughters and 20 grandchildren. (Source)


More Info:
Anthony Giustina's book Sex World Records
is similar to Guinness World Records except it is only about sex. This book includes info about the world's largest orgy, the world's longest penis, the world's biggest breasts, the world's most unusual sex positions, photos, cartoons and much more. read more

7 Terrifying Anal Sex Stories That Are Almost Too Horrific To Believe  

Despite it being more mainstream than it has been in recent memory, anal sex still feels like the final frontier for straight couples. Once you go anal, is there anything else left? Well, of course there is, but for many people anal seems like the end all-be all and one that usually includes lots of pain and one hell of a mess. Despite it being more mainstream than it has been in recent memory, anal sex still feels like the final frontier for straight couples. Once you go anal, is there anything else left? Well, of course there is, but for many people anal seems like the end all-be all and one that usually includes lots of pain and one hell of a mess.


But the truth is with the right lube anal doesn’t have to hurt and it doesn’t always result in poop-stained sheets. For many, anal is actually a pretty enjoyable experience that’s part of their regular sex diet. Yes, it’s not without its occasional horror story but when you think about it, every sex act can result in a horror story. I mean, have you ever had sex during your period? Talk about a horror story that also looks like a mass murder has been committed in your sheets. Yikes.

Although it was like pulling teeth, YourTango managed to track down 7 people ― gay, straight, male, and female ― to give us their horrific anal sex stories. They are, well, horrible and I suggest not reading them on your lunch break.

1. I couldn’t even cry…

“As a gay man, I’ve been lucky enough to just have one anal sex horror incident. It was with my ex, and the first and last time I was the bottom. We were going at it in the dark, then things started feeling messy for him. We turned on the light and there was a brown mess EVERYWHERE. I was mortified. I didn’t know what to say or do; I couldn’t even cry. He tried to make light of it for my sake and made a joke that forced me to laugh. A few hours later, we were able to joke about it, but outside of that we never mentioned it again.”

2. I can laugh about it now…


“My ex had never had anal, so we drunkenly decided to do it one night (I had had it like three times before then.) I was on my stomach, he was on top of me, and everything was fine until I realized he had passed out ― with his dick in my ass. Because he was drunk, he was dead weight and I couldn’t get him off or out of me. I had to lie there, crying of course, waiting for him to go flaccid. I can laugh about it now, but in that moment I remember thinking I had hit some sort of rock bottom.”

3. My lunch was still in tact…

“When I was in high school I was going through a religious phase and wanted to keep my virginity until I was married. I met my boyfriend at church and he felt the same way, so we decided we’d do anal instead ― I know, I know, it makes no sense, but we were young and stupid and brainwashed. So we did it, without lube, without any sort of knowledge as to exactly what sort of possible issue there could be and, long story short, I literally shit the bed. Not to be too detailed, but most of the salad I had had for lunch was still in tact.”

4. I went to the doctor and got probed…

“My boyfriend and I had some fairly aggressive make-up sex one night that resulted in me getting a few anal fissures. At first I didn’t think it was an issue but when the bleeding and pain wouldn’t stop, I went to the doctor and got probed. I had to sit on a weird donut pillow for weeks and had to tell the people at work I broke my tailbone, because the truth was too awkward.”

5. It was excruciating…

“My girlfriend and I mistakenly thought spit would suffice as lube. It did not. Once it was in she was in so much pain that even trying to get it out was excruciating for her so I had to take the hand lotion she kept by the bed and dump it all over my dick and her ass to make it slippery enough to be at least bearable to get it out.”

6. The condom ended up getting stuck…

“We thought if we used a condom it could somehow eliminate at potential for mess on my boyfriend’s penis, but the condom ended up getting stuck in my ass. I’ve lost condoms in my vagina on a couple of occasions, but losing it in your ass is completely different. No matter how hard I pushed, it wouldn’t come out … so my boyfriend had to help. We’re still together, though!”

7. The foreskin tore…

“My boyfriend’s foreskin tore during anal sex. But I should point out that foreskin can tear during vaginal sex, too, and that had always been a fear of mine because as an American foreskin is foreign to me. So, yeah, it didn’t tear during vagina but tore during anal and I’m just happy I didn’t have to be in the doctor’s office with him for that.” read more

You Will Not Move From This Spot Until I Make You Cum With My Mouth.  

“I want you to promise me one thing,” he says, guiding me back on the bed with one hand up my sweatshirt. He is licking one of my nipples through the fabric, spreading a dark stain on the grey. His hair is wet from a shower, and I am slick with the shimmery, coconutty oil I rubbed on right before I came. “I want you to promise me one thing,” he says, guiding me back on the bed with one hand up my sweatshirt. He is licking one of my nipples through the fabric, spreading a dark stain on the grey. His hair is wet from a shower, and I am slick with the shimmery, coconutty oil I rubbed on right before I came.


“Hmmmm …” I manage to reply as his tongue does lazy circles. He’s lifting up my shirt now and tonguing the skin under my boobs. His dick is very hard, poking between my oiled-up legs.

“You will not move from this spot until I make you come with my mouth.”

And so I don’t. I lie back and try to stay perfectly still as heat flushes through me, priming me for what’s to come. He sets a little pipe in my mouth and lights it for me. I draw in the dark green smoke and exhale just as he places the tip of his tongue on my clit. I close my eyes and gasp, remembering that I am not allowed to move from now on. My hands must stay near my head, so I hook them in the headboard.

For the next twenty minutes, his hot mouth traces patterns and beats a rhythm on me until I am twisting and writhing and yelping over the music. It’s humid in his room and the fans spin lazy circles of warm air over us, making every little hair on my body feel more alive. Suddenly he stops and guides me to straddle his face. I come in big, intense waves as his tongue flicks and flicks so hard and fast. I see stars, as cliché as that sounds, and fall off his face laughing and vibrating so intensely I’m afraid I’ll fall off the bed.

I take a minute to slowly pull my top off, then return the favor and light the pipe for him. While he’s hitting it, I pour a little coconut oil into my hand and slowly massage each of my boobs as he watches. I play with my own nipples, tracing patterns around each one, then grab his hand so he can feel how hard they are. As he’s investigating with his fingers and then his tongue, I drizzle a little more coconut oil onto my clit and finger myself, then reach around to cup his balls. I tug twice.

This is too much for him. He tosses me onto my stomach and teases me by pointing out where each of my chakras is, head to toe, telling me where they connect. I’m still in the haze of my orgasm, enjoying the sensation of his hands on my oiled-up skin. But then, suddenly, he’s inside of me. I remind myself to breathe.

“I told you I was gonna fuck you extra hard tonight,” he whispers into my ear as he shoves his whole weight into me from behind. I gasp and feel every inch as he thrusts once, twice, faster, harder. I yelp, and arch my back up to meet each one. “Didn’t I tell you I was gonna fuck you hard? Didn’t I?”

“Yes … yes … you did,” I reply. We fuck this way, sweaty, hazy, hot, until I’m aching for another high-quality orgasm. “Let me go down on you again,” he says. “I wanna eat your pussy again.” But I want to keep that massive hard dick inside me, so I get on top and swivel my hips, tits bouncing, til I come. And then again. I was so blissed out I let him come, sticky and warm, all over my tits.

I drove home feeling deliciously fucked up. read more

PSA: Here’s What Happens When You Get A Girl A Fancy Hotel Room For The Night  

I like to think of myself as a pretty fun girl. I’m generally up for anything one of my good girlfriends will suggest, so when a friend asked if I’d come distract the tagalong friend of the dude she’s boning, I thought, “Why the hell not.” The fact that she added, “They’re rich and will pay for everything” helped too. I like to think of myself as a pretty fun girl. I’m generally up for anything one of my good girlfriends will suggest, so when a friend asked if I’d come distract the tagalong friend of the dude she’s boning, I thought, “Why the hell not.” The fact that she added, “They’re rich and will pay for everything” helped too.


So I met them for dinner and chatted with the friend, who was nice in a small-town way and picked up the check. OK, I thought to myself, this will be just fine. I’ll hang out with him for a few hours, have some drinks and go home. Favor for a friend, no big deal.

Or so I thought. Our next stop was the strip club down the road (my idea), where said dude handed me a fat stack of $1 and steered me towards the stage and towards his lap. The two bourbon slushies I had consumed thought this was an OK idea, so on the lap I plunked. And into the G-strings of all my favorite strippers went his money. I let him kiss me – whatever, he told me my hair looked nice.

But then he started sliding a hand up my dress even though I pushed it away. And then he started telling me how what he wanted to do was slip a finger in my panties to feel how wet I was. (I wasn’t wet at all. I just wanted to see some strippers.) He was telling me how pretty I am and how much he wants to get out of here with me, and I’m honestly thinking, “Well, I am trying to get back at another dude, so … this is the mature choice, right?” Of course not. I told him we were absolutely not going back to my house and we were absolutely not having sex, but what was the harm in a little makeout session, maybe the kind where my top comes off? I like those. Plus dude had mentioned he was gonna get us a fancy hotel room for the night, and I am all about the fancy hotel room.

“No sex. Got that?” I said sternly. “Absolutely no sex. Nuh-uh.” He nodded and drooled all over me with his eyes, then booked the room on his phone. I hoped it had a Jacuzzi.


I had my hand right on his cock as he checked us in, watching him fidget around while the clerk took his credit card. I was also watching the clerk, who probably thought we were some drunk kids who were gonna fuck for an hour and then dip. Or he thought I was an escort. Dude is getting really hard and uncomfortable under my hand, which I love. I love making them squirm. He guided me into the elevator and I started to laugh. “I feel just like Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman.’” We made out all the way to the ninth floor and it felt good, a little bit naughty and a little bit sexy. What an adventuress I was. I was kind of thrilled by this whole thing. Nobody’d ever wined and dined and hotel’ed me before.

That is, until we got into the room. I laid down on the bed and he was upon me, which was fine, until I realized that dude was kissing me with his ENTIRE tongue.

HIS WHOLE TONGUE. THE WHOLE THING.

I know. I know. You’re gagging, right? I was trying not to. The thing was giant in my mouth and thick. It was like that episode of “Sex and the City” where Charlotte dates the bad kisser. I was looking for an escape. Plus he kept trying to shove his fingers in my panties. If I hadn’t shoved him away as hard as I did it would’ve been a repeat of my first fingerbanging at 15. It hurt.


Then he took off his shirt.

Brace yourselves.

He shaved his chest. Never in my 27 years of life have I fooled around with a man who shaves his chest, and let me tell you, it is not a fun time. It’s like having a giant flat stubbly face chafing against your torso and that really sensitive soft skin of your boobs. I was looking at the ceiling thinking, “Please god, don’t let me get marks from this shit.”

Why do men do that? I thought that trend died with the rise of the lumbersexual! I like a little chest hair. It’s sexy. I don’t like this scratchy shit wreaking havoc with my skin, and I really don’t like it with someone’s entire tongue shoved in my mouth. I never thought Ken Dolls were sexy. I thought they looked like aliens. I had to stifle my laughter.

I wiggled away from dude and blamed the booze on my sudden disinterest. “But I wanna see how wet you are,” he pleaded. I was like, “Bro, I am not fucking wet at all because you shaved your chest and suck at kissing. Also, you’re like five years older than me so knock it off.” Now, I didn’t say all of this aloud because I don’t want to bite the hand that books me a hotel room, but I was thinking it. I was also thinking that maybe Kardashians were on TV and he’d pass out so I could watch.

Spoiler alert: He didn’t.

I kinda forgot about shitty kissers because I’ve been on a streak of 100% delicious kissers, the kind of dudes who make your knees shaky and drunk and your head all spinny. But that’s the thing with fooling around: you win some, you lose some. I guess I just have to chalk this one up as a “lose.” I did steal all the toiletries, though. read more